It’s Thanksgiving and I can’t help but notice how different my life is from last year at this time. I’m so amazingly grateful for the improvements in my daily experience! In celebration, I am re-posting this piece from one year ago and wishing Dr. Mini-Evil, and meanies of his ilk, a very happy holiday wherever they are. And thank God they’re bothering somebody else instead of me –- let the fun & feasting begin!
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There’s a certain mean, hyper-critical, two-faced, back-stabbing personality type that I can’t seem
to avoid running into over and over again in my life. My Spiritual Teacher tells me it’s because “… we often attract people who are like the parent we had the most difficulty with …”
Personally, I’ve found both my parents equally difficult in different ways. The personality type above, however, best describes my Mom.
So, there’s this person I have to deal with regularly who reminds me so much of my Mom! I can’t stand this person! Sure he’s mean but that doesn’t really explain why I feel this level of animosity toward him. For now, let’s call him Dr. Mini-Evil …
Here’s the rub — according to my Spiritual Teacher, this guy is “mirroring” (for me) something I hate about myself and he will only stop bugging me when I figure out what that something is and fix it within myself.
The way this works, spiritually speaking, is that if I don’t repair the problem within myself then even if I get rid of this person the same personality type will return in the form of a different person, could be a man or a woman, over and over again until I address that broken part of me that’s attracting this.
I’ve been mulling this over and praying about it and today I opened A Course In Miracles at random (page 199) and read, “Conflict is the root of all evil, for being blind it does not see whom it attacks. Yet it always attacks the Son of God, and the Son of God is you.”
That was meaningful for me because you know who this conflict between myself and this mean person is really hurting? ME! Get it? I’m MAD and it’s hurting ME! Sheesh!
This is where the mirroring comes in. I think I still harbor a deep-seated belief, instilled in me by my parents, that I’m not OK and I will never fit in or be successful in the world because I’m too different from everybody else. I refuse to conform to the status quo.
Even though I fight against this belief with all my might and try to “prove them wrong,” literally and figuratively, somewhere deep inside I bought into this crazy idea. That’s what this person is mirroring to me, my own fears of inadequacy.
Otherwise, I would not be so bothered by Dr. Mini-Evil’s attitude, right? I’d shrug it off like I do when someone says something I absolutely know to be untrue like my name is Heather or I’m an alien.
Whether I look at it from a spiritual or a psychological perspective the Truth is apparent to me — as Carl Jung said, “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”
My boyfriend, Mr. C., sent me this lovely video today which speaks of life and learning. In particular the phrase that jumps out at me is, “I touch lives every day not because it earns me respect in others’ eyes but because it does that in my own.”
In the end, I need to deal with Dr. Mini-Evil in a respectful way, not because he deserves it but because that’s who I want to be. And that’s what works in the long run.
Healing myself, not blaming the mirror, is the key to living the life of my dreams.
January 1st, 2011 - 7:24 am
Heather would never have written this, so….thanks.
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January 1st, 2011 - 5:55 pm
I had a teacher in 4th grade who called me Heather during the entire school year! I always thought it was a compliment — haha!
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January 11th, 2011 - 4:44 am
Nice article, and I can attest that it keeps coming back; harder, more forceful, and bigger. It is like the proverbial 2×4 grew into a timber and spanked me hard. That was my last relationship.
So, this is my own philosophy and discernment speaking. We are all one with spirit/god/whatever and as such we all contain a little of everything. ACIM and a lot of new thought teaches if you see it…you’ve got it. You indeed have a piece of it and that is why we can see the stuff in all things because we all contain God Stuff. So, it (new thought or whatever) also loads us up with guilt by impliing we are less than perfect because we just may have an issue that someone is mirroring to us. Well, maybe, just maybe, all that is required is to learn something possibly from it and not that we are like Dr or Ms Evil. To learn that there is another choice and to make that choice with wisdom.
I enjoy Walker and in some of his episodes, they show things that have happened in the past as a memory flashback, and how now he makes a different choice…creating a different outcome. Maybe that is all that we are to learn. To try something new….or do it differently and have fun doing it.
So, what I learned is that I am ok, lovable, capable, smart and worthy of someones love without having to do something to earn it. That is where I got into trouble, I thought I needed to earn their love. And you are a loving, caring, compassionate, authentic, intelligent person also.
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January 11th, 2011 - 11:16 am
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Jim.
Of course, teaching guilt is not in the ACIM curriculum but I can see where you’re going with that. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said, “… all that is required is to learn something from it… ” and move on.
I also agree with your point about trying something new and having fun with it. I need to get better at that because I like to make hard work out of my lessons — haha!
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November 24th, 2011 - 6:29 am
This is so true. We always notice a a negative trait in a person because we recognize it in ourselves but refuse to admit to it. Loved this article of yours Linda.
http://rimlybezbaruah.blogspot.com/2011/11/my-love.html
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November 24th, 2011 - 6:49 am
Insightful article about repairing the problem within ourselves. I just loved this post, thanks for sharing.
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November 24th, 2011 - 6:50 am
This is the way I see it… As we grow spiritually our subtle personalities begin to grow as well.. In the sense as we become aware of our traits and learn to handle them another deeper layer emerges and keeps emerging till we work with it and understand it..
Our layers are deep and as each layer peels away another appears but this time with a stronger and denser trait that the last one….
This article had so much more of you than your others..It had sincere honesty…
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November 24th, 2011 - 10:46 am
Isn’t it great when you can look back a whole year later, smile and feel great about it all because you made the changes for yourself and now with the Adults Only Swingers on the scene I’m wondering where you’re off to next oxox
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November 24th, 2011 - 1:12 pm
I agree with Rimly’s comment. Its like when we point a finger towards a person then we must see 4 fingers are pointing towards us.
“Conflict is the root of all evil, for being blind it does not see whom it attacks. Yet it always attacks the Son of God, and the Son of God is you” – this line is so true.
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November 24th, 2011 - 2:42 pm
“I touch lives every day not because it earns me respect in others’ eyes but because it does that in my own.” I totally agree with you in this one….such a nice post… love the photo reflection and the vedio as well
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November 24th, 2011 - 5:41 pm
I agree with the comment of SJ that it is great to look back and smile.
You are grateful for the improvements in your life and I am grateful for your helping me to make improvements in my life.
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November 25th, 2011 - 3:23 am
@Rimly: We see eye to eye, yes? Thank you for stopping by to chat ;-x
@Sulekha: Thank you for sharing — It’s good to see you here and I appreciate the LUV!
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November 25th, 2011 - 3:28 am
Hi, Savy! –
Love the onion metaphor! When I was a little girl I wrote a ‘book’ called “Annie the Onion”. It was about a little onion girl that none of the other vegetables liked ‘because of her horrible smells’
I have been thinking about this line: “This article had so much more of you than your others..It had sincere honesty…” since I read it this morning. I’m intrigued …
Thank you, Dear, for your sharing your valuable insights! XOXO
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November 25th, 2011 - 3:47 am
@ SJ: The Universe don’t make it until we order it, right? XOXO
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sKSB4AV740w
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November 25th, 2011 - 4:08 am
Ha Ha – the facial expressions have left me a little unnerved and then I thought of Douglas Adams
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November 26th, 2011 - 10:09 pm
Hi, Shreya Redeemed! –
I have heard this before: “Its like when we point a finger towards a person then we must see 4 fingers are pointing towards us.” And, it’s truth cannot be denied.
Thank you for visiting and sharing your wisdom!
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November 26th, 2011 - 10:12 pm
Hello, Eigroj Stain! –
Your name intrigues me!!!
Thank you for your kind words about my work. I shot the photo at Underwater World at the Mall of America — it is un-retouched and one of my all-time favorites
Also, the video is gorgeous! I cannot take credit, but am grateful for such beauty!!!
Thank you for stopping to chat!
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November 27th, 2011 - 6:02 am
What a great introspective peice. Your spiritual teacher is definitely wise…I could use one of those!
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November 27th, 2011 - 10:01 am
Hello, Athina! –
Thank you for visiting!
I recently visited your site and was happy to see that your work continues to grow!
Keep up the GREAT work!!!
XOXOX
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November 27th, 2011 - 10:05 am
Hi, Jessica! ~
I agree, we can all use a ‘wise spiritual teacher’. Actually, I’m grateful to have a ‘council’ of trusted advisers. It is one of the greatest assets to my success in every aspect of my life!
Thank you for stopping by and leaving your comment — It’s always great to see you here
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November 27th, 2011 - 2:15 pm
Wow, what great insight your spiritual teacher has. It is true that what aggravates us, what challenges us, drives us insane in others is usually something that we are very unaware of that is inherent in ourselves. Once we can acknowledge and deal with ourselves, we can be more understanding of others. We can also perhaps challenge them to change in a productive way because our own needs no longer get in the way.
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November 27th, 2011 - 5:28 pm
Hi, Lynne! –
It seems we are in agreement about the fact that “…what aggravates us … in others is usually something that we are very unaware of that is inherent in ourselves.”
As to your second point, I must admit I try to stay out of the business of changing others. I believe everyone has the right to be themselves, no matter how aggravating I might find them.
Once I have made the appropriate changes in myself, I find that I know longer feel compelled to force changes on others. They will either adjust accordingly of their own volition or they will somehow disappear from my orbit.
Thank you for stopping by to share your ideas! Always a pleasure — please come back soon!
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November 27th, 2011 - 5:43 pm
Oh, I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve had to look in the mirror over the years, how many mistakes I’ve made in relationships because of problems with what I saw as my parents’ perception of me. Took me a long time to strike out and make the right way for me. It began when I accepted that Jesus loved me for who I really am. That, indeed, propelled me on that journey to know who He created me to be!
Super post, Linda! You made my day!
Blessings!
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November 27th, 2011 - 8:01 pm
Yes I kept marrying the same guy different name over and over. I finally came to realize it was me, he was my mirror, so to speak. So difficult to admit, but a must if you want change.<3 Glad you are in a different place. <3
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November 28th, 2011 - 1:41 am
Sounds like Jung’s “projection,” where we always are irked by the negatives that are present is us but seen only in others. Our critics are the best mirrors, which is mose often US 9when we judge others!)
Remainder and a knock on the back.
Joy always,
Susan
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November 28th, 2011 - 6:21 am
it’s all part of the mind expanding journey. Try as you might, when a situation presents itself that you wish were different, it is you that has to make it different. By looking to others to change you’ll always be frustrated. Good post thanks for sharing!
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November 28th, 2011 - 7:41 am
This was an insightful post Linda…True just believe in urself!!
God Bless U!!!
Love
Mani
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November 28th, 2011 - 8:41 am
Wow Linda! That is some deep stuff…and when you put it in black and white like you did, it makes so much sense…not that we like it. Very observing post!
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November 28th, 2011 - 8:36 pm
hello linda, great writing on the mirror-mirror post – i love your vulnerability. i do wish to comment, however, that an aspect of present-day psychology that i hope we will be moving away from… Soon… is that we (individuals) are in some way “broken” … and need “fixing”… As a psychotherapist moving, increasingly, embracing Eastern wisdom… i see it more and more that Embracing / Accepting / Loving that which we see as the “problem”… or “broken”… begins the alchemical process… and i won’t even call it “healing”… as that implies “sick” … i think it’s our whole western medical model that would benefit from a shift. May i invite you to visit my blog… you may find of interest several of my posts…
http://wesearch4meaning.blogspot.com
and… i relate to the childhood bit… a lot to digest, myself… Family Constellation work has been instrumental in deepening my understanding and compassion
thanks for putting the work out there, linda………………
respectfully, nancy
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November 30th, 2011 - 12:23 pm
Hi, Martha! ~
Your comment brings a smile to my face — we’ve come a long way, right?
Unconditional love, such as demonstrated by Jesus, is the perfect ‘remedy’ for self-doubt.
The lives we are creating are our greatest works of art, Sister. Your world seems to reflect a loving & joyful image these days — BEAUTIFUL!
Blessings & Love!
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November 30th, 2011 - 12:38 pm
Hi, Jan! –
I know what you mean, ‘always the bride, never the bride’s maid’, right? Haha!
Personally, I did not marry ‘the same guy different name over and over…” but I DO see that each past relationship is a reflection of where I was on the INSIDE at that time in my life.
Thank you for visiting and sharing! XO
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November 30th, 2011 - 1:09 pm
Miss Susan Deborah:
I agree with your observation, ‘Sounds like Jung’s “projection,” where we always are irked by the negatives that are present in us but seen only in others.’
It’s not only our negative qualities which are ‘mirrored’ to us through ‘projection’, right? Many positive qualities, which we are blind to in ourselves, we can appreciate in those around us — recognizing this may help us see ourselves differently if we notice the ‘mirror’
Thank you for stopping by and joining the conversation!
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November 30th, 2011 - 1:21 pm
Hi, Margaret! –
I love this: ‘it’s all part of the mind expanding journey’ — INDEED!
You have a way of stating Truth in a very succinct and practical way. I noticed that in your blog post to kick off the holidays ‘Surviving The Season’, too
Nice to meet you and thank you for visiting!
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November 30th, 2011 - 6:34 pm
Oh, wow. . . lots to contemplate which I must do before speaking. Letting it all sink in. . . Love the pic, btw!
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November 30th, 2011 - 8:55 pm
@Manisha: Thank you for your encouraging words!
@Anna: I appreciate your visit and your positive feedback! Thank you!
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November 30th, 2011 - 9:01 pm
Hi, Nancy! –
Your comment is so insightful! Thank you for stopping by and sharing!
As I said, I wrote this post one year ago. It happens that the post I am currently writing is about exactly the point you make. I intend to move in the direction you describe this year — YaY!
I hope you will watch for my upcoming post and let me know what you think! I will be perusing your posts as well!
BTW I was married into a Chinese family for over a decade and I have many friends from the East. My experience is that they are often as judgmental and negative, or more so, than us Westerners. I believe it is a myth that the Eastern people are more advanced in these areas. In a way, it’s another way to perpetuate the ‘brokenness’ myth we are seeking to bust!
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November 30th, 2011 - 10:04 pm
We are so often attracted to those who have some personality aspect that mirrors a part of ourselves, bad or good, right? In the good light (or maybe not so good ;-), I’ve been infatuated with men who reflected some facet of genius in myself, although I didn’t realize it at the moment of being smitten. On the flip side of the coin, I’m sure I’m attempted to remove the splinter from another’s eye when I had a beam in my own ;-(
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October 3rd, 2012 - 12:32 pm
I think I’m understanding this concept. I’ve been trying quite hard in more recent years to try to figure out what I’m doing to encourage these recurring situations which remind me of the parent I had more difficulty with. I believe I can be too nurturing and forgiving sometimes and excuse behaviors that excuse my needs. So, I try to make sure to watch out for my needs first, but it is a difficult balance.
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Dangerous Linda Reply:
October 3rd, 2012 at 12:43 pm
@Rachel,
I can see you are really trying — This can be a more challenging concept to grasp than it seems at first glance. What you are describing, I think, is a form of ‘behavior modification’ and what I’m describing is Spiritual Transformation.
If you are attracting people who treat you ‘disrespectfully’, which is what I’m picking up from you, then the Spiritual Law of Attraction, which includes the concept of ‘Mirroring’, says you must be treating someone disrespectfully to attract such treatment to yourself. This is sometimes difficult to accept when we think we are being the opposite, such as overly ‘nurturing & forgiving’. However, the person you are disrespecting may very well be yourself!
It’s not very appealing to ‘take the blame’ for EVERYTHING that happens in our lives, until we realize that we will then have much more control over our lives. Very liberating after we kind of get over the disappointment that we can’t blame others for anything
I would be happy to work with you one-on one to show you how to understand & work with these concepts to create an even more JOYFUL day-in-and-day-out reality — if that idea appeals to you please e-mail me at linda@dangerouslinda.com
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Rachel Reply:
October 3rd, 2012 at 12:56 pm
@Dangerous Linda, I definitely know the only person I can change is myself. I’m not sure I’m really attempting behavior modification, but I would have to go into a lot of detail for us to know if we are really on the same page. I’ll let you know if I need any advice, help, etc. beyond these blog posts.
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